Apologies for my last post, I know it was horrible!
I was so tired from my workout I just couldn't get it together! Yesterday I felt like I couldn't get it together in general. I've been a huge ball of emotion lately. When I feel like this I generally want to isolate myself, put my most comfortable sweats on, sit in bed and watch old black and white movies wishing that someday, someone will love me.
Sappy, I know.
I know this is a 'fitness' & 'weight loss' blog but even subjects like dating are a huge part of the journey. I've just been so frustrated that I've decided I won't settle for just anyone any longer. The only problem with this decision is that I've grown rather lonely.
People tell me that this is good, that being single is a good thing, but I don't really believe them. I've been on the 'single' train for most of my adult life and I don't see myself getting off any time soon. But seriously, I want to love someone and I want someone to love me like I LOVE THEM! Is it so hard to actually have faith in someone? I've just given up, and I guess it has come at a good time because it allows me to focus on myself (at least that is what my married friends say). They tell me to appreciate the fact that I don't have to answer to anyone, or that I can do things just for myself. But the kicker is, I've never had the experience of answering to someone or doing things for someone else. I don't know if that makes any sense, but even with the measly relationships I did have, it was never like that. I was always me begging them to stay & when I did have an opinion or I needed a question answered I would just get ignored. It's maddening! So many of my girlfriends jump from relationship to relationship and I find myself jealous because no one wants to be in a relationship with me!
I know the main reason I don't meet a lot of men is my weight. But when is that going to change, because it feels like it's never going to. I don't want to meet someone and all they have to say is "I've never been with a big girl before." It's almost like a slap in the face. So, in my head, I'm thinking that the only reason this man is speaking to me is because he wants to hit this just to say that he has. No, no, no. I'm so not okay with that. I never want to date anyone who makes me feel like a fetish. I want to be treated like a girl and not like something someone has to check off a bucket list.
I wish someone would just see me for me instead of the size of my waist. Maybe they would see that I'm nice and see that I'm compassionate. All my girlfriends see it, all my guy friends see it; most men are so superficial they would never look at me twice because of my size.
Even befriending men has developed some difficulties. For example, one of guy friends, from the moment I met him he told me he "only dates petite women". Now, I get that he has a preference but what I will never understand is why he had to tell me in such a "matter of a fact" type of way. I've always wondered, was he making sure that I knew nothing would ever happen between the two of us? Was that sort of like the figurative line in the sand when it came to our friendship? I will never know nor will I ever address the issue because we are friends but it does bring up a valid topic. Perhaps other plus size females have gone through this as well? Say you'll be talking to a guy without any agenda at all and all of a sudden he cuts you off just to inform you that he will never date a plus size woman. Does that happen? Like, is that a thing? It's happened to me on more than one occasion. Do I have to mention something like that to these men I meet as well? Do I have to say, for example, "I will never date a short man" if the man I'm speaking to is not of an appealing height to me? I mean, it's so ridiculous. It's like some men have to state a disclosure just to be your friend if you're plus size. At least that's how I feel sometimes. I just wonder why the 'fat girl disclosure' exists. Is it necessary we acknowledge the extra weight we carry every minute of every day?
I'm tired of it.
G'night!!
"All great changes are preceded by chaos." - Deepak Chopra
You're not alone! I don't understand why people feel the need to comment on weight when it's not like you ever asked their opinion! When I was in high school my best guy friend told me I was pretty but would be even prettier if I lost weight. In college my friend told me he would date me if I lost 15 more pounds. I did and I never felt good enough for the next year of our relationship. I have finally lost all of my weight but I still feel weighed down. My guy friends told me the other day that I had the "fat girl personality" without the fat girl body which was the best of both worlds. I laughed but it's insulting and it's really the way guys think. I'm happily single but still have my lonely moments like you. It's natural. Because of my weight I was in all previous unhealthy relationships because I only valued myself by my weight and didn't think I deserved more. Now I'm recognizing signs and red flags and I'm no longer settling. I'd rather be single than in the same old pattern. Just take this time to focus on yourself and achieve your goals. When you're happy and confident, others will recognize that and naturally be drawn to you. Just keep doing what you're doing and don't let some dumbass guy friends get in your way! You're very inspiring and I love your posts on IG.
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