The Up Yet Downside...

Hello everyone! I'm finally getting around to finishing this blog entry! Its been in the making for days!
I've had snip-its of blog entry notes all over. I've written things in emails, the notes in my Iphone, I've been texting ideas to my best friends and I now have time to write it all down!

Mind you it is 12am, my apologies in advance if you see spelling or grammatical errors. Haha!

So, here goes.

I posted a picture on my weightloss Instagram @bravewingssheflies
I posted a picture of my loose skin.

Now, many of you don't know how much weight I've lost in total so let me tell you.

I started this weightloss journey at 362lbs. I don't like saying the number and I don't like looking at it but that is the honest truth. 362lbs. I weighed more than most linebackers.

Here's a comparison..

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was in my bathroom, fixing my newly shortened hair and I decided to weigh myself. The only reason I cut my hair was because I "needed a change" and I figured that was the change that needed to happen for me to be happy with myself.
I was wrong. Oh, so very wrong.

I remember the sad feeling that washed over my body as I stared at the number by my toes. 362. My thoughts went from, "Holy crap I need to lose weight" to "Oh my GOD I'm getting too close to 400 and I'm going to die!"
Up until that moment my family would just agree that I needed to lose weight, but personally I had no idea how out of control my situation had gotten. At that point I could only wear yoga pants.
Literally, the only thing I could wear was yoga pants. I didn't fit in plus size clothing, I was too big.
I remember sweating and crying in a Khols dressing room trying to wiggle my 362 pound ass into some 'boyfriend' style jeans because they are supposed to fit looser than normal jeans. I could barely get the button to close. BARELY, that button was working for me.

I didn't know where to start. I was a year away from graduating college and I couldn't sit in a desk comfortably. I needed something.

So, I went to the gym.
I went every day. Every single day.
I had no idea what I was doing, I would see people on the elliptical machine and I would hop on.
It wasn't until my best friend Natalie came to my rescue and taught me how to actually workout.

Natalie was an all-star soccer player when we were in high school and she knew how to workout.
She knew it all. Natalie would come over to my house at 10 o'clock at night, every night, and drag my ass out of bed to go workout with her.
I would stay on the elliptical for 45 minutes and then she would take me into the room. THE ROOM where she would torture me.  Haha!

I distinctively remember her telling me,"Two more minutes, you can do anything for two minutes!" when I wanted to give up on an exercise. She was my angel. I tear up as I write this because even though my girl is LATE TO EVERYTHING and sometimes drives me CRAZY, I know she would do anything for me.

Since that wake up call I've lost 60 pounds. (two of those pounds are give or take) haha.
But with the weight loss, at least for me, arrived the loose skin.

I hate it. But, I know its there for a reason.
Its made me more insecure than ever. I feel like it's all people look at, this deflated belly hanging there for anyone to see.
I just have to remember that its there to remind me to never go back to the unhealthy lifestyle I was living. The excess fat and skin that slaps against my thighs while I'm running is there to applaud my efforts. Its there telling me that I worked hard for it to look like a deflated skin balloon. Most days when I wake up in the morning I grab it with my two hands and lift it to see what my body would look like if it wasn't there.
One day. One day it won't be there and I know that day will come soon enough.

Its amazing how conflicted you can feel when you're in a state of transition.
I'm not yet at the "wow, you've lost a ton of weight" stage but I'm at the "You've been losing weight, how wonderful" stage.
Like, if only those nice people knew how hard I've worked.

But, it's not for them to know. It's for me to know.
And now its for you to know!

Not everyday is easy, in fact, no days are easy.
None.
But it's okay because we're human and no one expects us to be perfect. At least, no one of value.

I went to a bootcamp this weekend hosted by @Ericafitlove.
But I have to say, it wasn't just any boot camp. It was an empowering boot camp filled with women who want the same thing as I do.
To be happy with themselves.

@Ericafitlove is someone I've been following on instagram for years.
She is a young woman who has inspired me so much. I can't even put into words how much just following her has changed my life.
She is real, she is funny, she is tall and she is an inspiration.

I came a cross her page and said "wow, if she can do this..."
But the thing was, I didn't know if I could do this.
It takes a lot of brain power to lose weight. It isn't as simple as getting on a bike, it's so much more complicated.
But like the little train, my "I think I can." will turn into my "I knew I could!"

Erica said to me that she sees the fire in my eyes, she can see how badly I want this.

She is so right.
Everyone can see how badly I want this.
Even my coworkers, friends, ex-boyfriends, and strangers can see! It's so inspiring!
And I get to do it for me!

So when I think of the downsides of losing a tremendous amount of weight, I have to remind myself that to every downside there is an upside. So I think I'll just focus on the up for now. :) Cheers!

"'What if I fall?', 'Oh but my darling, what if you fly?'"- e.h.

https://www.instagram.com/bravewingssheflies/

https://www.instagram.com/ericafitlove/
http://www.ericafitlove.com/
https://www.instagram.com/healthyisthenewskinny/
https://www.healthyisthenewskinny.com.//