The Up Yet Downside...

Hello everyone! I'm finally getting around to finishing this blog entry! Its been in the making for days!
I've had snip-its of blog entry notes all over. I've written things in emails, the notes in my Iphone, I've been texting ideas to my best friends and I now have time to write it all down!

Mind you it is 12am, my apologies in advance if you see spelling or grammatical errors. Haha!

So, here goes.

I posted a picture on my weightloss Instagram @bravewingssheflies
I posted a picture of my loose skin.

Now, many of you don't know how much weight I've lost in total so let me tell you.

I started this weightloss journey at 362lbs. I don't like saying the number and I don't like looking at it but that is the honest truth. 362lbs. I weighed more than most linebackers.

Here's a comparison..

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was in my bathroom, fixing my newly shortened hair and I decided to weigh myself. The only reason I cut my hair was because I "needed a change" and I figured that was the change that needed to happen for me to be happy with myself.
I was wrong. Oh, so very wrong.

I remember the sad feeling that washed over my body as I stared at the number by my toes. 362. My thoughts went from, "Holy crap I need to lose weight" to "Oh my GOD I'm getting too close to 400 and I'm going to die!"
Up until that moment my family would just agree that I needed to lose weight, but personally I had no idea how out of control my situation had gotten. At that point I could only wear yoga pants.
Literally, the only thing I could wear was yoga pants. I didn't fit in plus size clothing, I was too big.
I remember sweating and crying in a Khols dressing room trying to wiggle my 362 pound ass into some 'boyfriend' style jeans because they are supposed to fit looser than normal jeans. I could barely get the button to close. BARELY, that button was working for me.

I didn't know where to start. I was a year away from graduating college and I couldn't sit in a desk comfortably. I needed something.

So, I went to the gym.
I went every day. Every single day.
I had no idea what I was doing, I would see people on the elliptical machine and I would hop on.
It wasn't until my best friend Natalie came to my rescue and taught me how to actually workout.

Natalie was an all-star soccer player when we were in high school and she knew how to workout.
She knew it all. Natalie would come over to my house at 10 o'clock at night, every night, and drag my ass out of bed to go workout with her.
I would stay on the elliptical for 45 minutes and then she would take me into the room. THE ROOM where she would torture me.  Haha!

I distinctively remember her telling me,"Two more minutes, you can do anything for two minutes!" when I wanted to give up on an exercise. She was my angel. I tear up as I write this because even though my girl is LATE TO EVERYTHING and sometimes drives me CRAZY, I know she would do anything for me.

Since that wake up call I've lost 60 pounds. (two of those pounds are give or take) haha.
But with the weight loss, at least for me, arrived the loose skin.

I hate it. But, I know its there for a reason.
Its made me more insecure than ever. I feel like it's all people look at, this deflated belly hanging there for anyone to see.
I just have to remember that its there to remind me to never go back to the unhealthy lifestyle I was living. The excess fat and skin that slaps against my thighs while I'm running is there to applaud my efforts. Its there telling me that I worked hard for it to look like a deflated skin balloon. Most days when I wake up in the morning I grab it with my two hands and lift it to see what my body would look like if it wasn't there.
One day. One day it won't be there and I know that day will come soon enough.

Its amazing how conflicted you can feel when you're in a state of transition.
I'm not yet at the "wow, you've lost a ton of weight" stage but I'm at the "You've been losing weight, how wonderful" stage.
Like, if only those nice people knew how hard I've worked.

But, it's not for them to know. It's for me to know.
And now its for you to know!

Not everyday is easy, in fact, no days are easy.
None.
But it's okay because we're human and no one expects us to be perfect. At least, no one of value.

I went to a bootcamp this weekend hosted by @Ericafitlove.
But I have to say, it wasn't just any boot camp. It was an empowering boot camp filled with women who want the same thing as I do.
To be happy with themselves.

@Ericafitlove is someone I've been following on instagram for years.
She is a young woman who has inspired me so much. I can't even put into words how much just following her has changed my life.
She is real, she is funny, she is tall and she is an inspiration.

I came a cross her page and said "wow, if she can do this..."
But the thing was, I didn't know if I could do this.
It takes a lot of brain power to lose weight. It isn't as simple as getting on a bike, it's so much more complicated.
But like the little train, my "I think I can." will turn into my "I knew I could!"

Erica said to me that she sees the fire in my eyes, she can see how badly I want this.

She is so right.
Everyone can see how badly I want this.
Even my coworkers, friends, ex-boyfriends, and strangers can see! It's so inspiring!
And I get to do it for me!

So when I think of the downsides of losing a tremendous amount of weight, I have to remind myself that to every downside there is an upside. So I think I'll just focus on the up for now. :) Cheers!

"'What if I fall?', 'Oh but my darling, what if you fly?'"- e.h.

https://www.instagram.com/bravewingssheflies/

https://www.instagram.com/ericafitlove/
http://www.ericafitlove.com/
https://www.instagram.com/healthyisthenewskinny/
https://www.healthyisthenewskinny.com.//

We be cruisin' We be cruisin'

I'm going on vacation!

It's cruise time and I'm really excited. I'm going with my best friend and her family and I couldn't be happier. We are going to Ensenada, Mexico for a three day Carnival cruise. I'd be lying if I said I've never been on a cruise before but I have. This will be my third to be exact. I like cruises because they are easy. You get on the boat & you stay on the boat. Simple as can be.

I've never been that fond of traveling now that I think of it, and it wouldn't be for the reason you're thinking either. Planes in general don't bother me, car rides don't bother me, the idea of traveling seems wonderful. My problem is, I'm not comfortable traveling. I mean physically, it's not comfortable for me. I feel like I'm too big to travel, almost like I take up too much space. I know this may seem weird, but thats how I feel, especially on planes. Oh my goodness, I dread sitting next to someone on a plane and having to explain to them that I my hips may take up some of their seat or that I need the seatbelt extender! The first time I needed the seat belt extender was extremely embarassing, I didn't know how to tell the flight attendant that my belt wouldn't buckle. I was mortified. Now, since I've gained experience while flying I simply just ask for it. Some of the flight attendants look at me with that"oh, right dear" face while others seem stunned that I'm so upfront about it.

Sometimes it's easier being upfront about it, at least that's how its been for me.

I just can't wait until tomorrow, I have my bag packed and my passport ready! I've packed at least 4 days worth of workout clothes even though its only a 3 day cruise. Haha, you never know. I don't think my best friend will be up for working out on her vacation but that doesn't mean I can't plan a 45 min workout before she wakes up in the morning! I can't wait to jog around the boat and see the water all around me! It's going to be beautiful!

It's going to be so much fun, I can already tell!

Wish me luck, I'm going to need it when it comes to all that delicious food cruises are infamous for! All I have to think is "control and moderation", hopefully my mind will not fail me!

I got this!! Can't wait to share my adventures with you when I get back!! Bon Voyage!

"You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."- unknown

Fat Girl Disclosure

Apologies for my last post, I know it was horrible!

I was so tired from my workout I just couldn't get it together! Yesterday I felt like I couldn't get it together in general. I've been a huge ball of emotion lately. When I feel like this I generally want to isolate myself, put my most comfortable sweats on, sit in bed and watch old black and white movies wishing that someday, someone will love me.

Sappy, I know.

I know this is a 'fitness' & 'weight loss' blog but even subjects like dating are a huge part of the journey. I've just been so frustrated that I've decided I won't settle for just anyone any longer. The only problem with this decision is that I've grown rather lonely.
People tell me that this is good, that being single is a good thing, but I don't really believe them. I've been on the 'single' train for most of my adult life and I don't see myself getting off any time soon. But seriously, I want to love someone and I want someone to love me like I LOVE THEM! Is it so hard to actually have faith in someone? I've just given up, and I guess it has come at a good time because it allows me to focus on myself (at least that is what my married friends say). They tell me to appreciate the fact that I don't have to answer to anyone, or that I can do things just for myself. But the kicker is, I've never had the experience of answering to someone or doing things for someone else. I don't know if that makes any sense, but even with the measly relationships I did have, it was never like that. I was always me begging them to stay & when I did have an opinion or I needed a question answered I would just get ignored. It's maddening! So many of my girlfriends jump from relationship to relationship and I find myself jealous because no one wants to be in a relationship with me!

I know the main reason I don't meet a lot of men is my weight. But when is that going to change, because it feels like it's never going to. I don't want to meet someone and all they have to say is "I've never been with a big girl before." It's almost like a slap in the face. So, in my head, I'm thinking that the only reason this man is speaking to me is because he wants to hit this just to say that he has. No, no, no. I'm so not okay with that. I never want to date anyone who makes me feel like a fetish. I want to be treated like a girl and not like something someone has to check off a bucket list.
I wish someone would just see me for me instead of the size of my waist. Maybe they would see that I'm nice and see that I'm compassionate. All my girlfriends see it, all my guy friends see it; most men are so superficial they would never look at me twice because of my size.

Even befriending men has developed some difficulties.  For example, one of  guy friends, from the moment I met him he told me he "only dates petite women". Now, I get that he has a preference but what I will never understand is why he had to tell me in such a "matter of a fact" type of way. I've always wondered, was he making sure that I knew nothing would ever happen between the two of us? Was that sort of like the figurative line in the sand when it came to our friendship? I will never know nor will I ever address the issue because we are friends but it does bring up a valid topic.  Perhaps other plus size females have gone through this as well? Say you'll be talking to a guy without any agenda at all and all of a sudden he cuts you off just to inform you that he will never date a plus size woman. Does that happen? Like, is that a thing? It's happened to me on more than one occasion.  Do I have to mention something like that to these men I meet as well? Do I have to say, for example, "I will never date a short man" if the man I'm speaking to is not of an appealing height to me? I mean, it's so ridiculous. It's like some men have to state a disclosure just to be your friend if you're plus size. At least that's how I feel sometimes. I just wonder why the 'fat girl disclosure' exists. Is it necessary we acknowledge the extra weight we carry every minute of every day?

I'm tired of it.

G'night!!


"All great changes are preceded by chaos." - Deepak Chopra

Exhausted, like for real

Hi everyone! Sorry I've been MIA for the past week or so, my only reasoning is complete exhaustion.
But, being tired is the least of my worries; I've got a goal and even though sleep is definitely a huge part of the deal, I make the sacrifice & get it when I can.

I've been going to spin classes lately and I must say, it's been a blast. A total blat! My three hundred pound ass kills it in spin class and I've completely fallen in love with it/.  I recommend it to anyone who wants to try something new and fun, it's almost like a night club with bikes & loud music! I go to Full Psycle in Huntington Beach and I absolutely love my spin instructor. I wouldn't still be going if it wasn't for her, she was so friendly when I took my first class and very accommodating plus she pushes me harder than I have ever gone before! For that alone, I love her to pieces!

As I write this, at 1 o'clock in the morning, I can't help but dose off! Just finished an intense stairmaster routine and my eyes are begging to be asleep!
I'm trying so hard to communicate here! haha I have so much to say!

I was asked by a special follower to explain some of my workouts but I can barely keep my eyes open.

Here is a quick run down of my workout schedule (if I fall asleep it's not entirely my fault!) haha
Monday- Boxing/kickboxing class 6:15 am & if I get there early enough I can run two miles before class for a warm up.
Monday night- Sairmaster 45 min plus more !!
 Tuesday - yet to come!

I legit fell asleep for 10 min, time for sleep. I will write more tomorrow!.

Promise!

Unbuttoned, unzipped & uncomfortable.

Oh my gosh, let me just tell you about the day I've had.
They aren't kidding when they tell you "Some days are better than others", that's for sure.
For starters, I woke up late, my hair was a total mess, didn't bother with make-up, and I was sore. These things don't always make or break my day but man was it a rough start.

The main contributor to my lousy day: My Jeans.

Have you ever been in a situation when you've put on the pair of jeans that usually lives in the back of your closet? The "maybe the 'skinny' jeans fit today" thought runs through your optimistic mind and you slip them on well knowing you should probably wait for another five pounds before you totally rock the shit out of them. But you wear them anyway? Yep. Yes, that was me this morning.

Running late, tight pants and hungry. Never a good combination.
Lucky for me I didn't even get half way to work before those puppies were unbuttoned, unzipped, and my belly was free balling it. No shame, just in need of comfort.

Now, for some of you less fluffier women, this idea of wearing your pants unbuttoned and unzipped may come to you as a shock. You may think, "But, how do they stay up?". Oh, well the answer would be the junk in this mighty large trunk. When you have a caboose like mine, you don't need the pants to zip for them to stay on. It's an effort to get this derriere in the pants in the first place let alone fuss with the zipper and button! 

So, I spent the entire day unzipped and entirely uncomfortable.
My zipper was poking my protruding belly that was ever so elegantly bellowing out over the zipper meeting my thighs for tea and I was just letting it happen.
Haha, I exaggerate but that is exactly how it felt.

I just felt like a total blob today.

The only good part of the day was my food intake, which I'm super proud of!
I wanted to stuff my face with Oreo's but what stopped me was my present state. Personally I just could not justify eating anything out of my limits because of  what my jeans were doing to me. It was like they were suffocating me, it was awful and I don't ever want to feel that way again.

When you think of cheating on your meal plan, you have to think about why you put yourself on that plan in the first place.  Are you on it for health reasons? Are you on it for an upcoming event? What's the initial reason for changing your eating habits and is it worth compromising?
Food comes and goes, but its main purpose is to help us live. We have to change our ways of thinking from "we live to eat" to "we eat to live". It is literally the hardest transition I've ever made in my life but I'm doing it for my future which is my most prized possession. It's time to start a new life, its time to start living(in jeans that fit!)

"The secret to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new." -Socrates

https://instagram.com/bravewingssheflies/
http://healthyisthenewskinny.com/

Alrighty then! This is my blog, BraveWingsSheFlies' first blog entry! Hope it serves as an inspiration to those who read it!
I'm guessing you would like to know a little bit about me, I mean I would if I was reading someone's weightloss journey. Like, "Who is this chick and why?" Well, I'll tell you, just so we get to know each other a little bit better.
My name is Angel, I live in Huntington Beach California and I have a dog named Bruce. Hmmm, I wonder what else you need to know, lol just kidding. I'm six feet tall, twenty six years young, single, I have my bachelor's degree and I started my battle with obesity when (oh hell I don't even remember its been so long). But all that bibliographical information aside, what you need to know is that I'm on a never ending journey, and although it may look like it's a simple weight-loss journey to the naked eye, it is SO much more. Weight-loss is only the name for it.
I've been a 'plus size' woman for the entirety of my adult life and I'm here to show you that you don't have to limit what you can do at whatever your size may be. A body is a body, whether you've got rolls or whether you've got ribs, it is your temple. You live in your body everyday and you should treat it with the respect it deserves! It has taken, and still takes an everyday reminder for me to realize this. Your body is a part of your soul, and if your soul isn't happy then you have to fix it.  There is no giving up, only moving forward.

Now, on to the nitty-gritty.

I will be going over EVERYTHING throughout this weight-loss journey. My feelings, my goals, my shortcomings, and everything people DON'T want to talk about. You'll see pictures, videos, embarrassing angles and raw emotion. You. Will. See. It. ALL.
I want to show and tell you exactly how this journey works.

• Embarrassing situations
• Foodie problems
• Dating (psshhh what's that?) lol
• 'Fat Shaming'
• Working out

 These are some of the topics I will discuss apart from everyday journaling.

You may get bored, you may get sick, you may even get offended but I'm here to share my story from my point of view and perhaps it will serve as an inspiration to others as so many have inspired me.

Cheers to a new healthy life! 

"Everyday is a struggle, but not everyday ends in failure." -Angel Z.

Follow me lovebugs!
https://instagram.com/bravewingssheflies/
http://healthyisthenewskinny.com/